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Real Sports Is Finally Back. -- Primis          9-29-01,  9:45PM Another night of leftover Boston Market chicken. It's all good though, because Boston Market chicken is all good. Know what else is all good? Sports being back! Except, it's not back. You see, in the REAL sports world, the Cincinnati Bengals couldn't possibly be 2-0. Heck, sometimes in the past I've wondered how the Bengals only managed to be 0-2 in two games. Sometimes, they deserved an extra L for "creative losing". In the real sports world, a jerk like Barry Bonds doesn't get to 60 homers, and yet this dink is sitting at 68 and has people ROOTING for him!  This is Barry Bonds, for God's sake! BARRY BONDS! I seem to remember there being a circle in Dante's Inferno set aside specifically for "Lust, Greed, and Barry Bonds Fans". In the REAL sports world, Northwestern (NORTHWESTERN!) doesn't go to 3-0 and threaten to run the table on the Big Ten. This is NORTHWESTERN, for God's Sake! The Wildcats! When you ask people to name the Big Ten, they stop at ten teams because they forget Northwestern is even in the conference. In the REAL sports world, the Florida State Seminoles don't get taken to the woodshed by the Carolina Tarheels (The Tarheels FOOTBALL team, no less!).  41-9 !! That like a score the 'Noles would run up on someone like East Biloxi Community College, not UNC on FSU. Has the world gone mad?! Aren't these signs of the End Times? Famine, Plague, Destruction, and Eric Lindros skating for an NHL team again?! It's too much for one sports nut to take! Ahhh... But then... blessed, expected normalcy... maybe all *is* right with the world after all... Jeff George being dumped by ANOTHER NFL team. And we're not even at Week 3 yet. Ahh yes, that's normalcy. Maybe the Winnipeg Blue Bombers could use a starting -- .... nahhh, I wouldn't even wish that on the Argonauts. Bryan Berard is going to get a second shot at hockey. This is right.  This is very, very right. His horrific eye injury is something I wouldn't even wish on Tie Domi, and the kid's patience and resolve may finally pay off as he's going to get a tryout for the New York Rangers. I hated the Rangers before for having Mark Messier. I hate them more now for having Eric Lindros.  But they also now have Bryan Berard, and I can't help but wish him and his team good luck, because he deserves it. Ahh yes.... *contented sigh*... in Detroit the Lions are trying to become the first NFL team ever to mathematically eliminate themselves from the playoffs in only three games. How about that Ty Detmer?! He's more giving than Mother Teresa with a winning Powerball ticket.  7 interceptions. SEVEN! Because of course, we wouldn't want to pull the guy out of the game after the first, oh, say THREE OR FOUR! Ah yes... my beloved Lions, the New Cincinnati Bengals... Ty Detmer, the gift that keeps on giving... In Beantown, Carl Everett is giving me that warm, fuzzy feeling with his University of Mars graduate degree, and getting suspended by a team already so dysfunctional it makes Marilyn Manson look like friggin' Martha Stewart. OK, maybe not the best example but... Down in The Swamp, Steve Spurrier is once again proving sports is back to normal by needlessly brutalizing, raping, and running up the score on a Mississippi State team who last year happened to make the mistake of... *gasp*... beating the Gators at Miss St.! How dare they! "We're up 52-0 Steve, time to take the First Defense out and rest them?" "NO! Leave them out! It's not enough that I've run up 52 points on them, I want a SHUTOUT for it too!". Here's hoping the first chance someone gets to run up the score sometime on Spurrier's Gators, they do it, and absolutely, positively RUB IT IN THEIR FACES. I don't care who the team is, I'll be the first to cheer for them. Even if it's Michigan. Idea... is there ANY way we can someone implant Carl Everett on the Florida Gators football team? Admit it, you'd PAY to see that... heck you to would contribute to the Steve Spurrier Beating Fund... you know you would... You know real sports is back when the phrase "short-side goal"makes its way back into the sports pages and Sportscenter highlights. Mmmmm... you can almost smell curling season around the corner.  I can't see anyone wearing sporty-looking windbreakers anymore without wondering when it's finally time for CBC's yearly curling orgy... You know real sports is back when Flutie-mania once again begins to grip America. Hate the Chargers as I do, I love the guy and honestly... is there anyone in the NFL (save maybe Michael Vick in Atlanta) that you feel the absolute NEED to watch at all times because you're utterly terrified you're going to miss him do something?... You know REAL sports is back when you find yourself spending 2 hours a night perusing the Fantasy sites, digging through the list of available players, desperately trying to predict who's about to blow up and have a career season so you can grab him at the first sign of it coming true. The other day I found myself suggesting Yanic Perrault to a fellow Fantasy Hockey manager in a different league than mine.YANIC PERRAULT!! And then not only that, I considered picking him up myself! GHAA!!! THAT is real sports. Nobody is more glad than me that real sports is back. Unless you're a member of the Cleveland Browns secondary. -- Rik A. Kyser DISCLAIMER:  All materials above and contained herein are the property of the owner and individual contributors, and may not be reproduced without permission of the afformentioned. 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