| One of my favorite mindless conversations that always
comes up is something that was spawned a while back by a couple friends and
I during a completely-unrelated conversation (isn't that always the way?).
We came to the inevitable conclusion that life needs soundtracks.
Yes, that's right. As Zib said, "I'd buy 'Music From and Inspired
by The Rik Kyser Show'.
This always leads to the inevitable Room Entrance Music <tm> discussion
-- what music should be played when you enter a room, a car, what-have-you.
"Imperial March", "Theme from 2001 Space Odyssey", and "Ride of the Valkyries"
seem to be popular choices. Although for some odd reason I find the
idea of entering a room to "Send in the Clowns" insanely-funny.
Well, forget Soundtracks for Life. I had an epiphany today that will change
the way we manage our lives.
You see, the problem with life is that we put too high a price on our
individuality. Too high a price on our morals, our ethics, our souls.
That's why, as of this second, the various aspects of my everyday life are
up for sponsorship.
Yes, you read that right. If the Fiesta Bowl can be sponsored by Tostitos,
if half the hockey arenas in the NHL can be named after airlines, and if
companies can sponsor conference rooms and computer labs in buildings, by
God there's no excuse we can't have "Rik's Lunch Hour: brought to you
by the fine folks at Fidelity. We understand how business works. And by
Applebee's -- Eatin' good in the neighborhood!".
C'mon, picture it. "Today's workday at Convergys is brought to you by
Snickers. Not going anywhere for a while at your life-sucking, dead-end
job? Why wait? GRAB A SNICKERS!".
Now yes, I know. The corrupt possibilities for complete and utter mischief
here do not escape me. Renaming bathroom breaks "The Pepsi Long-Distance
Shootout" for example. Or "This hour of complete unconciousness is brought
to you by Nyquil".
"This break of Rik driving to work is brought to you by Car Stereo One.
On Airport and Reynolds, and on Monroe and Talmadge. CAR... STEREO...
ONE... TURTLE!!!"
Oh-ho-ho... so you say "What on earth makes you think businesses would spend
money advertising and promoting during your everyday life?" Hey, professional
bowling has sponsors. I mean come on, my life is at least as interesting
as that, and appeals to a much wider demographic. And millions of women watch
fake soap opearas every day, while my everyday life is a REAL TRUE soap opera
that even Hollywood cannot touch.
I see your eyes lighting up right now at the sheer brilliance of this idea.
I'm right aren't I? You know you want to chug down a tall, frosty glass of
milk and proudly proclaim that the preceding was brought to you by the National
Dairy Council.
Imagine the hilarity that ensues when enjoying a meal at Bob Evans and you
proudly announce that this lunch hour is sponsored by The Olive Garden. Or
the hijinks involved while strolling down the aisle at Kroger, checking your
watch, and you begin singing the jingle c/` "There's a million reasons..
MEIJER.... and a single store!!!" c/`
Not only is it fun, but it's profitable too! You don't even need to necessarily
get paid cash, but you could get all sorts of free loot as trade-out. Microsoft
wants to promote the X-Box via my medium? I dang well better be given a couple
consoles and a fine selection of games as compensation. Daimler-Chrysler
wants to get in the game? Well then... I'm sure I could use a new
vehicle... and why not pair that veicle up with some free insurance from
All-State. You'd be in Good Hands, all right....
The possibilities with this are endless! Swing the right deals with the right
sponsors and you wouldn't even need to keep your day job! Instead you could
spend your time going interesting places, doing interesting things, and reminding
people at the top of every hour (and your lungs) that Wendy's is now open
late!
And I haven't even mentioned the election possibilities yet! Imagine travelling
to a different state and proudly proclaiming "Smith for Mayor, because he
puts the city FIRST!" and getting write-in votes for the guy in the completely
wrong city! Or even more fun yet, randomly make up your own Proposal
names and then vehemently support or attack them. "Save our children's
future! Vote NO on Proposal F!". Imagine the chaos that
erupts as demonstrations break out against this Proposal F, and the hilarity
that ensues when everyone finally realizes there IS no Proposal F.
People will oppose anything if you tell them it jeopardizes the children.
"Vote NO for the new school! Save our children's future!". Or, "Vote
YES on cutting school funding by 75%. Because our children's future is at
stake". Common sense means very little in the political arena.
As my roommate says, this will make me rich and all-powerful. With all the
money I earn I can finally save up to buy my own personal army of ninja assassins
and sieze the West Coast, trapping them under the iron heel of my tyrannical
jackboot.
All the while grinning mischievously, and reminding you that "This
interrogation is brought to you by the Wall Street Journal. Those who know,
read the Wall Street Journal. YOU read the Wall Street Journal, don't you?.....
I said don't you?... hmm, that's a shame, because if you don't know anything
I have no other use for you... and... I'm afraid I NEED TO KNOW! GUARDS!"
"Now go fetch me a raspberry smoothie, my minions...."
-- Rik A. Kyser. |
